Emotional Intelligence Isn’t Enough: Leaders Need Emotional Mastery
You don’t unlearn decades of emotional control overnight. But you can stop pretending it’s working.
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I Want More Resilient Thoughts!Leadership didn’t leave emotion behind by accident—it was taught to. And we’re still unlearning it.
𝐖𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐰𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬. But most people still expect leaders to keep their feelings in check. At some point—maybe during the industrial age, maybe earlier—emotions got labeled as distractions.
Management professor, Michael Parke, spoke about his research on the subject for the Business Journal at Wharton, explaining that by the 1950s, traditional management views had cemented this: 𝘌𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘳𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 - 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘰𝘰𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴. 𝘚𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘺 𝘥𝘰𝘰𝘳.
And like other outdated ideas from that era—rigid gender roles, conformity, discrimination—the fear of emotion at work never really got dismantled. It just changed outfits. Became more polished. Started showing up as phrases like “professionalism” or “executive presence.”
What I’ve seen in my career is that most people really mean: “𝐏𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬… 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞.”
They want you calm but not cold. Vulnerable but not teary. Confident but not too confident…especially if you’re a woman.
So a lot of leaders learn how to look composed, stay in control, and keep emotions all tucked in tight.
That’s managing the optics…really 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘮𝘢𝘯𝘢𝘨𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵, not 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘮𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘺.
And those are two very different experiences.
𝐌𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐮𝐬 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐰 𝐮𝐩 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐛𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦, 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦. 𝐒𝐨 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩, 𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐰𝐞'𝐫𝐞 𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐬 𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭.
You won’t get a gold star for doing this work. No one will pull you aside and say, “𝘐 𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘺𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘵.”
But you’ll notice…when emotion rises, it doesn’t take you out. You’re still there. In charge of yourself. You’ll know. You’ll feel the difference.
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"Stacy is absolutely a problem solver and can change your life in ways you never thought were possible. You will gain wisdom that will help you in your situation and any situation to come in the future. I know it can be scary reaching out, let alone to someone you do not know. But if you take a chance, your whole situation and life can change."
If holding it together is starting to wear you down—read this.
Most leaders don’t break because of one big thing. They wear down from years of holding back what they actually feel. Years of bracing. Smiling. Staying composed.
If this article hit somewhere deep, that’s not a coincidence. You might be ready to lead in a way that doesn’t require emotional contortion.
An Explore Coaching Call is a place to lay some of that down—without judgment, pressure, or needing to have it all figured out.
In our 45 minutes, we’ll:
- Talk through the emotional load you’ve been carrying
- Get honest about what leadership currently costs you
- See if coaching would be a useful place to do the real work
- Room to tell the truth.
👉 Click here to schedule your Explore Coaching Call
Because leadership doesn’t have to cost you you.
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/* Stack children vertically */ align-items: center; } #block-1695978967366 .authorfeature__image-container { margin-right: 0; } } /* flush setting */ /* margin settings */ #block-1703958985190 { margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; } #block-1703958985190 .block { /* border settings */ border: 4px black; border-radius: 4px; /* background color */ /* default padding for mobile */ padding: 0px; padding: 0px; /* mobile padding overrides */ padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; } @media (min-width: 768px) { /* desktop margin settings */ #block-1703958985190 { margin-top: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; } #block-1703958985190 .block { /* default padding for desktop */ padding: 0px; /* desktop padding overrides */ padding-top: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; } } /* mobile text align */ @media (max-width: 767px) { #block-1703958985190 { text-align: center; } } #block-1703958985190 .btn, [data-slick-id="1703958985190"] .block .btn { color: #464646; border-color: #8be400; border-radius: 4px; background-color: #8be400; } #block-1703958985190 .btn--outline, [data-slick-id="1703958985190"] .block .btn--outline { background: transparent; color: #8be400; }
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